THE MIRROR OF LOVE
by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

So many of us want to find (and keep!) a beautiful love. After many years of dating...and dating...and dating, I discovered a wonderful tool that helped me...and continues to help me...create a beautiful love, a love that after 26 years of marriage, keeps getting better...and better...and better.

Let me introduce you to this wonderful tool for keeping love alive. Those of you who know my work are already familiar with it, as I have used it in a number of different contexts. The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love expands the scope of this exercise and shows you how it will help you move from a position of fear and anger to one of power and love when it comes to your present or future relationship. And what is this life-changing exercise? It is...

PICK UP THE MIRROR INSTEAD
OF THE MAGNIFYING GLASS.

Hmm. I suspect that many of you might not like the sound of that initially. So let me explain the mirror and the magnifying glass as I am using them here...

The magnifying glass represents our symbolically pointing a finger and blaming our mate for our unhappiness. When we blame our mate, we, by definition, add to the negativity that lies within the relationship. We also feel helpless because, when we think our happiness depends on someone else, we give away all our power. So not only does our relationship suffer, we personally suffer as well.

The mirror, on the other hand, is our antidote to blame. It represents our looking inward and taking responsibility, not only for our actions, but also for our REACTIONS, to what is going on in the relationship.

Think about it...

The mirror is our key to controlling
our own happiness.

Ultimately, whether we are in a relationship or not, it is by looking into the mirror that we are able to pick up our power and discover what we personally need to do in order to change what isn't working. Powerful, indeed!

I remember teaching a married woman the "pick up the mirror" concept. The first thing out of her mouth was, "If anybody needs to pick up the mirror, it's my husband!" Oops! I don't think she understood the concept of the mirror! Once again, it is a guarantee that throwing the blame and responsibility at our mate doesn't solve any relationship issues. I believe that one of the main purposes in the relationship is to teach ourselves how to become more loving people. And the mirror is the perfect tool to help us to do that.

By the way, if your mirror tells you that it is your own fear, insecurity, lack of appreciation and the like that have created some or many of the difficulties in your relationship, there is no reason to blame yourself. Nor should you blame yourself if you want a relationship and don't have one. For your own peace of mind, remember that we are all doing the best we can and there is always room for improvement. You are looking in the mirror solely for the purposes of learning and growing. Understand that...

Self-awareness is the first step
toward positive change.

And your mirror is a wonderful tool for creating self-awareness. It removes all your denial and allows you to become honest with yourself. Looking inward, you are able to discover what you can do to keep love alive; looking outward, you won't find the answers you are seeking.

Your mirror does many other things as well. It helps move you from the Lower Self, the weakest part of who you are, to the Higher Self, the most powerful and loving part of who you are. I doubt that any of you reading this want to stay stuck in the weakest part of who you are!

When you pick up the mirror, you are ultimately able to find the healing light that shines within your being. When you pick up the mirror, you pick up your power. When you feel more powerful, your anger, pain and fear is diminished. When you feel more powerful, you act with integrity, compassion, caring, respect and kindness.

And there is a hidden benefit of the mirror: If you are having issues with your relationship, you are most likely having issues in other aspects of your life. As you use your mirror to work on healing your relationship, other aspects of your life will be healed as well.

Here is just one example of how the mirror is a great improvement over the magnifying glass and how it moves us to the most loving part of who we are...

Looking through the magnifying glass, we blame: "I am angry because of his/her taking time away from me to spend time with his/her friends."

Looking through the mirror, we take responsibility for our reactions, "Is my life so limited that I can't function without him/her for a few hours? It's time for me to take responsibility for creating more balance in my life so that I don't feel empty and needy when he/she is not around. One way I can do this is to widen my own circle of friends...

You can see how the mirror shows us how to take responsibility for creating a win-win situation. Can the mirror save all relationships? Of course not. But even if the relationship ends, the rewards that come from looking into the mirror are always great. Sometimes it's good to move on. And it does require that we push through whatever fears we have about leaving. But even as we leave, we have to remember to take the mirror with us. It's meant to be used for a lifetime as we encounter new situations in love...and in life.

Maybe you won't like what you initially see in the mirror. (I certainly didn't!) I beg you to put aside your judgment. Again the mirror is not an instrument for self-blame; it is an instrument of self-awareness and ultimate healing. The mirror is there to show you the road to the best of who you are. It is there to help you recognize what you are doing to damage your relationship ... and it gives you the pathway to healing your inner hurts. It shows you when the negative past is leaking into your heart and messing up the present. It points out habitual responses that get in the way of love. We are all lovers-in-training and as we change these negative habits, we open the door to love. Trust me on that one! The mirror is an amazing tool, indeed!

From my heart to yours,

Susan Jeffers

Copyright © 2012 Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

(Important: To use all or any part of this article, go to admin@susanjeffers.com for permission.)

Adapted from The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love